Cocktails

The only drink recipe you will ever need: The Real Johnson Martini.

1. Pour a single drop of dry vermouth into a martini glass and roll it around so that the drop coats the inside of the glass.
2. Pour a hearty helping of vodka into a shaker with plenty of crushed ice.
3. Add a dash of olive juice to the shaker.
4. Shake until the metal of the shaker is so cold that it hurts your hand.
5. Pour into the martini glass and drop in a single olive.
6. Drink.
7. Repeat as necessary.

OK, I guess there are a few more drinks worth learning how to make. Here's some more.

The Real Johnson Mojito

Ingredients

4 mint leaves

1 lime (for juicing)

1 teaspoon powdered sugar

A hearty helping of white rum

2 ounces club soda

1 sprig of mint (for garnishing)

crushed ice

Collins Glass

1. Put the mint leaves into the glass and juice the lime over them.
2. Add the powdered sugar and then muddle the mint, lime juice and sugar together. Add crushed ice.
3. Stir in the rum and top off with the club soda.
4. Garnish with a mint sprig.
5. Drink.
6. Repeat as necessary.

The Real Johnson Old Fashioned

Ingredients

A hearty helping of Bourbon

Few dashes of Angostura bitters

Splash of water

Cube of sugar

1 Slice of Orange zest

1 Cherry to Garnish

Rocks Glass

1. Toss the sugar cube into a rocks glass. Add the Angostura bitters to the sugar, letting it soak into the sugar cube.
2. Muddle it.
3. Add a splash of water to dissolve the sugar.
4. Add an ounce of bourbon and ice.
5. Give it a stir with a bar spoon. Dissolving the sugar is key to a good Old Fashioned.
6. Add another ounce of bourbon and some more ice.
7. Stir it again.
8. Add a piece of orange peel. Use a carrot peeler to make the slice to ensure it's just peel and not that bitter white shit. Squeeze the peel over the drink and drop it in.
9. Toss in a cherry.
10. Drink.
11. Repeat as necessary.

The Real Johnson Caesar

Ingredients

Clamato 

A hearty helping of vodka

Worcestershire sauce

Tobasco (or Franks Red Hot if you've got it)

Lime Wedge

Celery Salt

Salt

Pepper

A pickle (preferably one pickled in something spicy)

Collins Glass

1. Use the lime wedge around the rim of the glass and rim the glass in celery salt. Ignore the picture, throw the fruit away.
2. Add vodka to the glass with a generous portion of ice
3. Add a few dashes of worcestershire sauce
4. Add a many dashes of tobasco or Frank's and don't be a pussy about it. 
5. Shake in some salt and pepper
6. Pour in the clamato, stir and garnish with a pickle (if you happen have spicy beans, they'll also do nicely).
7. Drink. 
8. Repeat as necessary

El Johnson Verdad

Ingredients
1 large shot of El Jimador tequila (or any other 100% agave tequila)
1 pint of Corona (or any other appropriately light and pissy-tasting Mexican beer)
1/2 shot of lime juice.

1. Combine all ingredients in a glass. 
2. Under no circumstances should you add ice. 
3. Garnish with a lime wheel, and serve with a Malboro Light.

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Not what you're looking for? Your next click should be The Real Johnson Guide to Drinking Like a Man.

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Other drinking resources:

	Find the nearest LCBO
	Find the nearest Beer Store
	The LCBO's "Beer Garden" Flash site. A handy guide to 341 beers.
	Vintages magazine. Learn more about wine (and sometimes premium spirits). Send an e-mail here and get The Real Johnson's favourite bathroom reading material delivered to your home for free.
	Scotchwhisky.net, a pretty comprehensive site with info on all things related to Grandpa Johnson's medicine.

Learn More About Beer

What is Lager? What's an Ale? What's a Stout?

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, 

that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

     ~Frank Sinatra