Thursday, March 15, 2012

Sometimes You're Just Supposed To Be Fat

written by Johnson

While it may seem crazy to hear, given my tendency toward drinking, fast food, and the occasional weekend (pack of) cigarettes, as of late I've actually been somewhat healthy.

I hit the gym a few times a week now, I try not to eat bacon cheeseburgers two meals in a row, I've been forced to let accepted things like quinoa and kale into my home. I could probably reasonably say, between belts of scotch, that I am healthier-ish now.

I mean, I appreciate the importance of getting regular exercise and taking care of my body, but I also respect the need to occasionally kick the living shit out of my body with beer, scotch, cigars, and supremely shitty food. It's a delicate balance and one that I think is at the heart of living life to the fullest.

Having said that, I know that people who think like this are a rare breed.

For a long time, I definitely didn't think this way.

In my experience, there are generally two types of people:
  • Some people that just aren't cut out for a hard partying lifestyle. I'm not judging them (aloud), but some people just can't drink/eat a lot. There are people who were simply born with a tendency to turn down that second drink, people with an aversion to sneaking cigarettes, and people with a desire to keep their bodies firm and strong.

    Power to those people.

    I won't call them for after-work drinks on a Tuesday, but power to them nonetheless.

  • On the other side of the coin, there are people who clearly aren't cut out for life at the gym. There are people that can't understand the desire to go sweat like an idiot on the treadmill, people for whom the idea of doing a sit-up is anathema, and people who think life's too short to waste exercising when it could be spent enjoying the finer things like fatty foods and good booze.

    Power to those people, too.

    I'm not going to call them to play squash before work, but power to them nonetheless. 

I've found a balance in my life that works for me, the fitness-inclined, and the overweight-indulgers have a balance that works for them. I've got no problem with that.

The people I have a real problem with are those that try to jump ship. Those that try to have it both ways. I'm talking about ex-fatties.

I don't mean people who diet; that's all well and good.

I'm talking about these celebrities who get famous while fat, then use their newfound public platform and wealth to crusade for weight loss. I hate these ex-fatties.

Nevermind the fact that these people clearly have access to resources that none of us do (personal traineres, chefs, diet coaches, etc) and are therefore preaching a lifestyle that most can't afford.

Nevermind the fact that these people are trying to have their cake and eat it too (cake joke!) by living an unhealthy lifestyle for so long then trying desperately to make up for it like some fat asshole on his clogged-artery deathbed.

The real problem I have is how weird these people look.

Sorry, but it needs to be said. Hollywood ex-fatties look weird.

When these celebs strap a band around their stomachs or chain themselves to a treadmill or eat handfulls of meth--or whatever the hell it is they do to drop the equivalent to another human--they end up looking just plain weird.

Look at the size of your skull, Star Jones! I think you're just supposed to be fat.

Seth Rogan, the "action star" thing clearly didn't work out. Just be fat again.

Jonah Hill, I feel like I should get you a stretcher and a sandwich or something when I see you skinny. Just be fat, dude.

Mariah Carey, honey, just be fat!

Drew Carey, you look like your own sickly older brother now. Grab some of the food from The Price is Right games. You look like you're going to collapse. You're supposed to be fat.


For god sake, Oprah. You're Oprah. You can literally do whatever the fuck you want. Be a positive role model to girls struggling with their weight everywhere and just be fucking fat. You've earned it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all for getting exercise. Obviously, it's good for your heart, your body, and your state of mind. By all means, go for a power walk, Wynonna Judd, but appreciate that some people are just supposed to be fat. When you people start to push the weight loss thing too far, it seems to me like you're playing god.

And it's wrong.

And more importantly, you're weirding everyone out. So stop it.

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