Friday, March 9, 2012

A Guide To Hibernating Through The Weekend

written by Mia Burton



Alright listen, I’m not one of those total creeps, who eagerly awaits winter and likes to go outside and be active or anything, but I do feel like this temperate and amazing “winter” we’ve had in Southwestern Ontario has robbed me of one of my favourite activities; namely, hibernating.

Usually in the Canadian winter, I spend a lot of time inside, gain some blubber, and amuse myself by myself, but since I haven’t been given the excuse of awful weather, I've had to carpe this diem forcibly!

There is a reason that bears hibernate and, while I’m no zoologist, I’m pretty sure it’s because it’s cozy and warm and they can do whatever they want in their caves. Bears are smart. Although I don’t trust a weather report as far as I can throw it, logic tells me there’s probably only a few more days of negative temperatures remaining, so I this past weekend I took full advantage of doing indoor kid stuff. Believe me when I say I feel much better for having done it, and so I decided to impart some sage advice to you in hopes that you might do the same.

Here are six important points to focus on when considering your next weekend of hibernation:


  1. Your Bed – I can not emphasize enough that you must spend the majority of your time here. The first thing you should do is change your linens. Although getting the comforter in it’s stupid fabric home is undeniably the worst torture going right now, it will be worth it in the long run. This is your home base for the next two days, minimum.
  2. Snacks/booze – This may require some prep work, depending on your tendencies towards hoarding (I didn’t need to buy any additional items, nor would I if I were trapped in my home for a number of weeks, but that’s a different story). You will certainly want something nice and comforting to eat, but the priority here is really procuring alcohol that you can mix with a hot drink. My preferences lean towards Baileys and hot chocolate, or hot apple cider with vodka, but inventing weird things to eat and drink is an important way to keep your hibernating mind agile, so be creative. Making a shepherd’s pie also gets high points in the hibernation handbook.
  3. TV/Movies – You know there are shows that everyone has been telling (forcing) you to watch, and you feel like you’re letting them down. I think we’re all familiar with this emotion--so much so that it's high time that we had a harsh-sounding but functional German name for it. And so I will invent one:  Empfehlungschuld. If you don’t have any empfehlungschuld now, I am here to provide: If you haven’t caught up on HBO’s Game of Thrones before the second season starts, your family will abandon you, your pets won’t want even you to touch them, and you’ll never make anything of yourself. So stay home and fix your life, idiot.
  4. Books – Who doesn’t have a pile of books just waiting for the time to read them? If you work hard, I know you can get at least one out of the way over a weekend, I believe in you!
  5. Porn – Alternately, human people of your preferred gender if available. The rules, however, forbid you from leaving the house to find them, they must come to you. Bonus points for making your own heat during peak times and saving on electricity.
    You’ve got nothing but time to kill, babies!
  6. Housework – I admit, this one isn’t exciting or enjoyable, but you need to accomplish something before you return to work on Monday, or your small-talk will be even more excruciating than usual. Pick three chores that you’ve been putting off and get them done. Don’t overexert yourself, productivity is not the goal of this exercise. The important thing is to do just enough to assuage your existential guilt, and avoid a vacant expression when asked what you did over the weekend.

So this weekend, don’t go forth, and prosper, lovely people!

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