Sunday, January 22, 2012

I'm Lazy, You Still Can't Trust Sean Bean

In case the fact that the same fake news story about Jay Z and Beyonce's baby has been sitting up for so long didn't fill you in, I've been a little too busy to blog lately. In addition to my job and some comedy-related stuff, I've been doing some blogging elsewhere for money (pennies, but still) and I've been trying to get back to the gym, too. On top of all that, I've of course got my usual commitment to functional alcoholism.

Long story short, I've been neglecting this website and I want you to know, it's not you, it's me.
I've tried a few times to get guest contributors so that situations like this don't happen so often, but it never really pans out. However, I'll try again. If you're interested or have a rant to get off your chest or anything, click the "submit something" tab on the header and let me know. If you're a blogger too it might be an interesting way to get some new readers checking out what you have to say. I'd love to have some other points of view on here once in a while. And if you want, someday I can return the favour and write something for your blog.

Anyway, in the interest of giving you something to read, below I've reposted a "classic" post that was up two years ago today (roughly). It was the first in a series about things Hollywood has ruined and it seems to have stood the test of time. Sean Bean is still a greasy bastard, so consider this a sort of public service announcement to any of my readers who weren't around two years ago.

New content is coming, someday. Thanks for hanging in you beautiful sons of bitches.

Things Hollywood Has Ruined: My Ability to Trust Sean Bean
Part one of an ongoing series, “Things Hollywood Has Ruined

If Hollywood has taught me anything it’s this: You can never trust Sean Bean.

As Alec Trevalyan (AKA 006) in Goldeneye, Bean betrayed MI6 and his old friend James Bond.  During a mission to blow up the Arkhangelsk chemical weapons facility in the Soviet Union, 006 was apparently killed by Colonel Ourumov.

Later  it is revealed that not only was his death, of course, faked, but he had been working with Ourumov (now a general) the whole time. On top of that, he is also none other than Janus himself, head of the famed Janus Crime Syndicate.

To be fair, Trevalyan had a major grudge with England. His family were Lienz Cossacks repatriated to the USSR by the British during WWII and, while they were spared execution at the hands of the Nazis, Trevalyan’s family still died when his father, out of guilt for living, killed 006’s mom and then himself.  

Tough childhood for sure. But still, using the Goldeneye satellite to destroy London? Not cool, man.

As Boromir in The Lord of TheRings, Bean openly questioned the Council of Elrond, as well as the wisdom of Gandalf.  Boromir thought that the ring would do more good in Gondor, protecting the realm from the power of Mordor. And, while he seemed to listen to reason when he was told about the corrupting power of the ring and so agreed to join the Fellowship, you could totally tell this guy always had his own fucking agenda.

I mean, come on. The guy was constantly up Frodo’s ass about taking the ring to Minas Tirith. You could tell he just wanted to run the show. He wasn’t having any of Aragorn bossing him around and he’d bitch about Gandalf’s decisions any chance he got. You knew he was going to try to snag that ring.

Of course he did; finally getting sick of trying to convince Frodo to give it to him, he attacked the hobbit, causing Frodo to wear the ring in order to flee, and setting off the events that eventually broke up the fellowship and ultimately led to Boromir’s own death.

I supposed, yes, in Boromir's defence, he just wanted the ring to defend against Mordor and that’s kind of noble. And yes, he also, arguably, redeemed himself, bitterly defending Merry and Pippen against the orcs and fighting to his death. But the guy was still power hungry. And a bit of a weasel. Badass warrior, yes, but weasely.

Sean Miller 
The leader of the Ulster Liberation Army (ULA), a breakaway faction of the IRA in the movie Patriot Games, Bean’s “Sean Miller” is about as slimy as they come.

Sure, he watched Jack Ryan kill his brother in the opening scenes, but come on, you’ve got to expect a few casualties when you’re fronting a terrorist organization hell bent on murdering British Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, Lord William Holmes.

Besides, career CIA employee Ryan is a company man to the bone. Of course he’s going to step in when he sees trouble, even if he is vacationing with his family.

But no, Miller becomes obsessed with getting revenge, busting out of police custody and travelling to the US just to mess with Jack Ryan’s family. Bad move by the way. Because guess who just got back in the CIA? That’s right, Jack Ryan.

Miller becomes so intent on killing Ryan that he even gives up an opportunity to kill Lord Holmes and murders his own men just to pursue Ryan.

Narrow-minded much here, Sean? You’re supposed to be running the ULA, not chasing down semi-retired suburban white Americans. Can’t you think about any one but yourself?

While it’s difficult to imagine anyone pulling a fast one on the ultimate badass, Sam, played by Robert DeNiro, the weasely Bean is perhaps at his weaseliest as Spence in Ronin.

Suspicions arise when, buying the supplies they’ll need to steal the case, the tough-talking Spence needs to pull over in order to puke. DeNiro and Jean Reno’s reactions are classic. You can almost hear them thinking, “What a pussy.”

DeNiro, of course, later confirms everyone’s suspicions by memorably ambushing Spence with a cup of coffee. To be fair to Sean Bean, if DeNiro was in my face barking, “Draw it again. Draw it again. You're the ace field man, draw it again. It's a simple diagram, just draw it again. Draw what you say! Draw it again! Draw it again!!” I’d probably clam up, too.

Note to self: There is no boathouse at Hereford.

Sorry Sean Bean, but I've learned my lesson. If a character in a movie is being played by you, I'm just waiting for that guy to double cross somebody. I know he's hiding something. And frankly, if you've been typecast as a sleazy, untrustworthy guy, it's probably for a reason. So I doubt we could be friends in real life. No offence. Have a nice life.

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