Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dead Mouse Found in Mountain Dew isn't The Grossest Thing About Mountain Dew

So yesterday I stumbled upon this little this item in the Toronto Star and just had to share.

Essentially, a man is suing Pepsi because he walked up to a pop machine, bought a Mountain Dew, took a sip and then became violently ill because, he says, there was a dead mouse in the can.

I'll give you minute to finish dry heaving.

He then says that he let Pepsi know about the situation but wasn't going to sue until it became clear that Pepsi thought he was lying.

First, before we move on, let's just acknowledge that every human on earth would sue in this situation. Not only would the obvious disgustingness of having just drunk liquid with an animal corpse immersed in it cause one to immediately think of nothing other than revenge, but it would take about four seconds before you realized that one of the world's largest corporations was now liable for you having become ill.

Far from being the stomach-turning traumatic scenario this at first seems to be, it's actually more like a dream scenario. I have literally, on multiple occasions, day-dreamed that I will one day find a mouse in my pop can--or a thumb, hell even a syringe-- simply so that I might sue the massive soda corporation responsible and cash in.

I don't think I'm alone here. I mean who doesn't spend a small portion of each day fantasizing about scenarios wherein one gets filthy rich by virtue of having done absolutely nothing at all? Shit, I'd eat an entire dead mouse and puke for a full day if it meant I didn't have to work for a year or two.

Anyway, that's not really the most interesting part of the story. The interesting part is Pepsi's defense.
Step-by-step details of exactly how Mountain Dew would dissolve a dead mouse are Pepsi’s defence against a lawsuit by a man who claims he found a rodent in his can of pop.
Yes. That's right.

Pepsi says the man's claims are false because Mountain Dew, that delicious fluorescent green liquid, would dissolve a mouse's tissues, organs, and bones into a "jelly like substance."

So just to summarize their defense: "No, that mouse couldn't have been in the can since the canning process because our disgusting, acidic, corrosive liquid--which we market as a thirst quencher--would have dissolved an animal's entire body (with the possible exception of part of its tail) in a shorter time-frame than it would have taken for that can to get to the pop machine from which the man purchased the liquid."

So please, everyone, settle down, ignore the claims of the dead mouse, and continue to drink Mountain Dew.

Image is nothing. Thirst is everything. Obey your thirst.

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