The Real Johnson: Ten People I want to Punch in The Face (this week)

Faithful Real Johnson readers,

Please accept my sincere apologies for my lack of blog posts lately. I've been extremely busy in real life, what I call my meatspace, and I've been unable to bring you the levels of swear-filled rage to which you've become accustom.

In order to rectify the situation, and hopefully kick off a manic blog-posting spree to get you through the holidays, I thought I'd offer you a bonus-sized edition of a Real Johnson classic, Ten People I Want to Punch in The Face (this week).

Enjoy.

People who begin their sentences with the phrase "Can I be honest with you?" You don't need to ask that. I pretty much assume that when you're speaking to me you're telling me the truth, so when you preface a story or a statement with a qualifier that indicates you are only now going to begin speaking honestly, it implies that everything else you've ever said to me is a lie. Can I be honest with you? I want to punch you in the fucking face.
Rick Perry. Look, I know Americans are a wacky, conservative bunch and a lot of them still hold some religious convictions, but do we really live in a world where a guy can run for one of the most powerful offices in the world and put out videos where he campaigns on his anger that gays can serve openly in the military? Really?! Out and out homophobia is acceptable from someone running to be President of the United States of America? Also, dude, it's not a war on religion if someone is working to give other humans equal rights and trying to keep church and state separate. America's so-called religious foundation was really about giving people the freedom to follow whatever beliefs they wanted, not some narrow-minded conservative bullshit political ideology you're masking as "Christianity." Rick Perry, take off your manly khaki jacket, get down off your high horse and please allow me to punch you right in your stupid, bigoted face.
People who are trying to convey laughing in a written message but write "ahahah." Sound it out, dummy. Are you laughing, or are you The Count from Sesame Street? One! One punch in the face! Ah ah ah!
Mitt Romney This feels like a repeat of the second entry, but sadly, it's not. There are (at least) two asshole conservative running for president who seem to hate gay people, despite the fact that it seems quite clear they both secretly masturbate to images of Ronald Reagan. Romney likewise believes in "traditional marriage," by which he means that gay couples shouldn't be granted the same benefits that married hetero-couples get--e.g. the types of benefits and pensions that widows of veterans are entitled to. Check out this dude trapping Romney into looking like the douchenozzle that he is at a recent press event. The only way this could have been better is if that veteran followed up that hand shake with a punch in the face.

Any parent who had a daughter after 1999 and named her Britney. Sorry. I'm sure your daughter is a lovely person, but by 1999 virtually the entire world was aware of Britney Spears and, subsequently, if you named your daughter Britney you were pretty much just admitting that she would never amount to much more than white trash. I know it sounds harsh, but Britney Spears set a precedent and it's essentially scientific fact that there are no Britneys under the age of fourteen that are ever going to accomplish anything academically significant or otherwise intellectually notable. If you named your daughter Britney post-Spears, you have resigned yourself to having a daughter who will be fond of jean shorts and the company of many, many men--in addition to earning yourself a big ol' punch in the face from me. Extra bonus punch if you spelled Brtiney "creatively", e.g. Brittini.
Cab drivers that honk as they go by to see if I want a cab. Maybe this is just a Toronto phenomenon, but it drives me mental. Cabbies will slow down when they are near someone on the side walk and honk there horn like they are fishing for fares. It makes me turn around and to look at who is honking at me and wastes my god damn time. I shouldn't have to inform every cab driver that I encounter that, no, I don't want a ride. It's not my job to turn down cabs all day. It is a cab driver's job to pick up people who flag them down. Stop trying to convince people they need a cab. If people need a cab, they'll wave. Next time you honk, please pull right up to the curb and unroll your window so that I can punch you in the face.
The staff at Wikipedia. I don't actually hate the staff at Wikipedia. Wikipedia, obviously, is awesome and has ensured that I never have to actually retain any knowledge in my actual brain, ever. But these stupid direct pleas for help with pictures are ridiculous. Why do I think they are ridiculous, you ask? Here's why:

Really, Lindsay Lohan? Wikipedia, please simply accept that because you are on the internet for free, people are going to continue to expect you to provide your services for free. The second you decide to go away or become a pay-per-use service, someone else will simply do exactly what it is that you do now and we all just start using that service instead. Wikipedia, for your irritating personal appeals that feature unfortunately placed images of your staff, please accept this punch in the face.
Kevin O'Leary. Most Canadians will probably instantly understand why this steaming turd is on the list, but for those of you don't, please allow me to explain. Mr. O'Leary is a on a number of CBC television shows and he attempts to play the role of the "truth teller."
In an attempt to make itself seem less liberal, the CBC has put this "business man" in at least three different TV shows and the CBC morning news even goes to him for their daily dose of business. news. He attempts to be the classic "shoots from the hip" character--the Simon Cowell, the Howard Stern maybe, or the Donald Trump perhaps--and the CBC is in no short supply of promos that spotlight his "take no prisoners style" noting that "you may not like what he has to say, but it's always 100% Kevin" and all other manner of ridiculous, hackneyed bullshit.
O'Leary mixes his "no nonsense" style with what he imagines to be a classic "corporate" persona and spouts trite clichés about capitalism being the answer to everything, greed being good, etc. He is essentially a cartoon character version of a 1980s yuppie, which, almost endearingly, is what the CBC thinks of when they try to appeal to a conservative audience.
The problem of course, is that Kevin O'Leary is a gratingly obnoxious douche-bag with no real insight into business--or really, anything else. Instead he interjects the morning news with predictable less government, less taxes analysis and bats around his "counterpart" on the Lang and O'Leary exchange, the out of place Heather Lang, tasked with discussing economics and armed with a degree in architecture and an employment history of being a...reporter?
The results, to say the least, are incredibly punch-worthy, but often their met with little more than the half-hearted debate he gets from Lang or a shrugging, "That's our conservative, Kevin!" from CBC News' Heather Hiscox.
However, when he's put in a room with anyone with enough spine to stand up to him and with anything more than a passing knowledge of first year economics or some understanding of world events, he gets rightly pummelled, as he did when he tried to play his conservative cartoon character role while talking to Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Chris Hedges, in the video below.
Kevin O'Leary, for reducing our national broadcaster to the level of journalism usually attributed to FOX News, I've been reserving a walloping punch to your stupid face for a long time.
Whoever invented the wall socket. This one seems kind of weird, but hear me out. I had an epiphany the other day about just how irritating the wall socket is. If you've ever tried to plug in certain three-prongs items like power bars or phone chargers, you'll understand where I'm coming from.
See a socket looks like this:

But a lot of three-pronged things plug in like this:

Thus it is often impossible to plug two three-pronged items into the same socket.
Why don't they make sockets that look like this?

Or even this?

And so, dude who invented the wall socket, for not predicting the future shape of things that would be plugged into your invention, I would like to plug a punch into your face.
(If any of you decide to actually create this brilliant idea, please send me some free ones and cut me in on 40% of your profits and we'll call it square).
The Kardashians. Who are these big-assed giggling morons and why should they be emblazoned on every fucking magazine in the supermarket? Seriously. This is the absolute worst of what North American society has to offer. Vapid, talentless, rich women who are famous simply because they are famous. Enough already. This is disgusting celebrity worship and I. Just. Don't. Give. A. Fuck.