The following is a letter I sent to the City of Toronto on November 29th, 2011.
UPDATE: I posted this to the blog December 9th and, coincidentally, when I got home from work that day, I had received an utterly humorless response from the city, which I have now added to the end of the post, if you're interested.
Parking Infraction Payments
BOX 4282 Station A
Toronto, Ontario
M5W 5W5
Re: Infraction Number BH357627
Dear Valuable and Under-Appreciated Public Servant,
First, let me say thank you for reading this. I understand you probably get letters and requests like this all day long, so simply for taking a minute to read this, let me say that I am really, really grateful.
Also, wow, you look really, really nice today. Seriously.
As you’ll see from the enclosed Notice of Impending Conviction, I’ve got an outstanding fine related to my having allegedly committed the offence “STAND ON–ST DISABL LDG NO PRMT,” which I assume means something like I parked in a disabled loading area?
The problem is this: I really didn’t.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Yeah right, pal. That’s what they all say.”
And fair enough.
What lamer possible excuse could I have for not wanting to pay a ticket than simply saying “No I didn’t!”
However, I’d like to suggest that simply by virtue of the sheer lameness of my excuse, you can see that I’m being genuine. I don’t need to make up elaborate nonsense, because I really just didn’t break the law.
And so I ask for your help.
I know that on my ticket there were instructions on how to refute my ticket. And I know that on this very notice of impending conviction there are instructions on how to refute my ticket. I have seen such instructions numerous times thanks to the many parking tickets I rack up when my wife and I forget to move the car to the other side of the street at the middle and end of each month as our permit states we must.
My having received so very many tickets, however, is precisely the reason, upon receiving yet another parking ticket, and yet another notice of impending conviction, I didn’t bother reading either of them and, instead, simply tossed the ticket in my glove compartment and added the notice of impending conviction to the pile.
As you’ll note from my history, if you have access to it, I do always pay my tickets, though it often takes me a while. I tuck them away in the massive pile of junk mail and bills that I have in my kitchen and often forget about them for some time, but I always get to them eventually.
You can imagine my recent surprise then when going through this pile of junk mail and outstanding tickets, I noticed that this particular notice was no routine parking ticket, but instead a fine for $450 for the mysterious offence of having STOOD ON–ST DISABL LDG NO PRMT!
I promise you, as a person who is very conscious of matters related to accessibility, and one who respects traffic laws, I did not park in any ST DISABL LDG. I remember the day the fine was received vividly; because we parked on College Street around the corner from Kensington Market and I had tacos for lunch at El Trompo (I never forget an event involving Mexican food).
We parked in an actual spot! No ST DISABL LDG was to be seen anywhere.
And so, I’m asking you, Faithful, Overworked and (I’m assuming) Lovely Public Servant, if you might somehow see it in your heart to make this ticket go away.
I’m not going to complain about the ridiculous fact that tickets need to be refuted in person during hours when most people work. And I won’t mention that the locations are not very convenient. That’s not your problem. You didn’t make these policies, so I’m not going to waste my time bitching about that. Besides, I’m sure you’ve heard it all before.
And I’m not going to address this letter to any of your superiors. I want results. That’s why I wrote to you. Frankly, I think we both know they’ve got their heads up their asses and they don’t even appreciate the work that you do for them day in and day out. Why would I waste my time with them? Let’s be honest, if I want something done around here, I should talk to you, not those people upstairs. You’re the one who gets things done around here and, damn it, I appreciate that, even if they don’t.
I’m also not going to waste your time with any long-winded or silly arguments about why I might have been parked in a DISABL LDG and I’m not going to claim that my grandma was with me and that she has an accessible parking permit.
That would lying. You’re a nice person and a great dresser and I value the work you do far too much to lie to you.
I’m also not going to try to appeal to some sense of the Holiday Spirit as we approach Christmas time. For all I know you may not even celebrate Christmas, so my pleas for you to spare me this $450 burden going into a time when I’m expected to buy presents for my family may well come off as an insult. It’s not my place to project any religious values on you, Humble Public Servant. So I’m not going to. I respect your choices as an attractive individual too much to go there.
Furthermore, claims about being generous and kind-hearted simply because it’s getting close to Christmas would be cheap and transparent and I can appreciate that a person in your stressful and busy line of work has no time for that kind of nonsense. You’re the kind of person who tells it like it is and doesn’t sugarcoat it so, for crying out loud, it’s the least I could do to return the favour.
Instead, I’ll just say this: I really did park in an actual parking spot on October 15, 2011.
I don’t know what exactly STAND ON–ST DISABL LDG NO PRMT is, but I can assure you that I didn’t do it.
I’m truly sorry I didn’t refute my ticket within the timeline provided and I’m likewise sorry that I couldn’t take vacation time or sick leave in order to come refute the ticket in person; notably because it would have allowed me the pleasure of meeting you in person.
But if you could somehow find it in your heart to cancel this ticket, you would really, really make my day–just like I hope I have made yours.
Thank you very much for your time, and if I don’t hear from you before then, have a very happy holiday (whichever one you may celebrate this time of year) because damn it, you deserve it.
Sincerely,
Johnson
This is how the city responded. I know they read my letter, because the original signed copy of my letter was included in the response. Not even a "ha ha" -- hell not even complete sentences! Sheesh.
According to the officer the vehicle was parked in a disabled parking spot. Must be disputed in court with the issuing officer. Must file for reopening.
Yours Truly
[Paul?]
PARKING TAG OPERATIONS
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