Monday, December 5, 2011

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Can we please talk about this song for a minute?

These are the lyrics:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek;
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!

On the surface, this is a cute song about a youngster who happened to creep down the stairs and spotted his or her mom having a little kiss with what was (we are to believe) the singer's father. 

It's a cute and cheeky little song that's been covered by everyone from the Jackson 5 to John Mellencamp, to Jessica Simpson and Amy Winehouse. 

But what's really going on here?

Think about the trauma for this youngster. 

For starters, there is the initial shock of seeing a character you believe to be magical actually in your home. Depending on the age of the kid, that's going to be a pretty massive event. "Santa is real! And he's here!"

Then there's the realization that your mother is kissing Santa Claus. 

Sure it's fun at first, "Wow! Mommy is actually kissing Santa." 

But by the time that kid crawls back into his or her bed, any number of horrendous things are going to start going through his or her head. First, it's going to raise questions about what kind of man Santa Claus really is. Here's this semi-mythical elf that, for all this children's years thus far, has been nothing but a symbol of goodness and generosity. 

Now the kid's got to think about why Santa would make a move on mommy. Doesn't Santa know that mommy is with daddy? Furthermore, does Santa do this at every house he goes to? Maybe, it stands to reason, Santa does a little kiss and tickle at every house he goes to. So what kind of person is this Santa? What else, this kid will start to wonder, is Santa spreading to all the homes of boys and girls all over the world?

Then, despite what a laugh it might have been that first Christmas, this poor kid has got years of guilt ahead--living with that sickening secret that his or her mom made out with Santa--never daring to tell daddy. 

That kid is going to dread the approach of Christmas. The advent calendar, instead of counting down the days until a joyful celebration, will come to that kid to represent a countdown until the day mommy gets her yearly dose of elven ass. A day you can guarantee the singer won't creep out of bed ever again for fear of what Jolly St. Nick might be doing to mommy underneath the mistletoe.

And that's just where the trauma begins. 

Eventually, this kid is going to grow up to be old enough to realize that there is no Santa Claus. 

Someday the kid is going to go, "But what about the time I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus?" and the kid will go, "Oh cute! That was my dad all along!"

"But wait a minute...I was in bed. They had no idea I was creeping down to take a peak. What the hell was my dad doing with that suit on?"

Then the kid, for years haunted by the spectre of his Santa-kissing whore mother and that drunken red-nosed son of a bitch in the red suit, will start to think about what the hell his or her very own parents were up to down there. 

What sick sexual fantasies were being acted out, father in a Santa suit replete with a beard and mom happily sitting on his lap, just steps away from where that kid sleeps?

Sure, it started with kissing, but what sort of Santa home-invasion fantasies got lived out among the toys that kid was going to unwrap the very next morning? 

What kind of sick parents have I got, this kid will come to think. 

What a laugh indeed. 

This song is disgusting. 

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