Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Dr. Johnson: Your Husband's Friends, Homework, and Sluts

It it time once again for me to answer some letters written to Carolyn Hax of The Washington Post me.

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson,

I’ve been married for two years, and I no longer want to socialize with my husband’s friends. Early in our relationship he told me it would be a deal-breaker if I couldn’t get close to the two people he’s closest to; he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his parents, so they have been like a surrogate family to him.

I find them to be boring, too alcohol-dependent, and just not worth all the time we spend with them. But I know how badly it would hurt him if I said this. How do I get out of seeing them as much as he expects me to?



The reason your husband loves those guys is because they are boring and alcohol dependent. Those aren't character flaws, those are their virtues: A man's best friends are the guys he can sit around and do boring shit with and just drink beer. I think if you tell your husband that he can continue spending as much time as he wants with his friends drinking beer but that you're not going to join him as often as you usually do, you'll find him surprisingly accepting of the idea.

"It's just a shame your wife's not here, Rick."

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson:

When I was growing up, I was told that good girls didn’t have sex until they were married. I became a little more liberal, but I still believed an engagement, or at the very least love, was required. But from what I see in movies and on TV, I’m wondering if sex has become just a fun activity with no need to justify it. Is there no longer such a thing as a slut?



I think you're confusing TV and movies with reality. That's a fantasy world. In real life, people still wait for their wedding night, as the good lord intended. Sex is something two people do strictly for the purpose of procreation. While sex is certainly a fun activity, women shouldn't do it until the time is right or, as you say, they will forever be branded a slut.

For those women who find that their urges are getting the better of them, the church has recently officially recommended a vigorous finger bang.

Filthy habit, that.

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson:

A non-parent here with a gripe about today’s parents: I don’t remember my parents helping me with my homework on a daily (or even weekly) basis. Isn’t it their homework? I don’t remember my parents playing (read, entertaining) me every day, either. We played with our friends. Why do parents today feel the need to do everything with their kids?


Dear Anonymous,

Maybe if your parents had helped you with your homework, you wouldn't be such a dumbass now. Are you really mad about parents helping their kids, or are you just resentful that your parents' lack of interest in you has led you to a series of dead end jobs and a frustrating inability to focus on anything more intellectually stimulating than The Bachelor?

Maybe you need to stop worrying about what other people are doing and think a little bit about why your parents didn't want to play with you or read to you and how that has led you to be incapable of letting any one get close to you.

That desire to help and nurture their children is something called love, something you'll probably never experience.

And you smell bad.

Go put on your tie, it's time to colour!

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson,

It was recently mentioned to me that I’m kind of dull to be around and just dull in general. I knew I wasn’t an exciting person, but I didn’t realize I was so boring.

Now, the more I reflect on it, I can see that they’re right. I don’t have an interesting job, any interesting hobbies or anything really provocative or humorous to say to anyone. Now it makes sense why my friends rarely call me or call back. Apparently I’m so easy to forget. So, where do I go from here?


Dear Dull,

Your problem is not uncommon and it's actually something that humans have been dealing with for generations. There actually is a cure for what you've described. It's called alcohol.

The next time you've got to attend a social function, get yourself down to your local liquor store and stock up on some loud mouth soup. You'll probably find that different alcohols will give you a different new personality; red wine will likely make you affectionate and verbose, rye whiskey will make you mean and ready to fight, tequila will make you slutty, etc.

Regardless of what you choose, you'll definitely find that the personality that alcohol gives you is far better than the white bread plainness of your current existence--furthermore, you'll find that the opposite sex is more interested you and better looking, your jokes are funnier and baseball is infinitely more interesting.

I strongly recommend you get started right away and, if you're a lady, it probably wouldn't hurt to throw on a shirt that shows your tits.

This is actually a rare picture of my inner child. 

Dear Carolyn Dr. J:

I have been dating a wonderful woman for a year, exclusively for six months. We are both 24. Our relationship is built on solid friendship; I love her fully and unconditionally.

I have reached a point in my life that I want to get married and begin a family. She makes me happy on every possible level and I could not think of a better teammate. Recently we have cooled off physically, and I attribute that to the end of the “honeymoon stage.”

I’m sure it is only my self-consciousness, but I fear the cooling down will continue beyond the normal leveling that I expected. I am fully committed to her, and she to me. We trust each other 100 percent. When I make comments about marriage and growing old together, she agrees that she also wants these things. However, when I have suggested that we move in together, she shuts me down.

She spends 90 percent of her time at my place. It makes financial sense and I believe we would both be happier. She claims she fears judgment from friends and family because we haven’t been together long enough to warrant their acceptance.

I find these sentiments to be petty and childish, and that is not her personality. She is the strongest person I know. We are adults. We know what is best for us. I fear she is being less than forthright but I do not want to accuse her of being deceptive. She has given me no reason to doubt her sincerity to date.

I have attempted to ask questions like, “Are you sure that is the only reason you are apprehensive?” and she tells me she is sure and drops the subject.

Am I worrying unnecessarily? Or is her hesitation to take the next step in a relationship that has been beautiful and fulfilling from day one a clue that she is not ready for these things?

-Worried she won’t grow up


You've been dating a 24 year old for six months and you've already accepted a "cooling off" of your sex life?

What is wrong with you? You two should be banging like it's your job.

If anything, she's probably not interested in sex anymore or moving in with you because you talk like a 40 year old women who is feeling her eggs shrivel up.

"We are adults. We know what is best for us." Who talks like that? Are you wearing orthodic shoes? Do you romance her with sentiments like "It makes financial sense."

My advice to you is start acting like a 24 year old. Try having some fun and not planning your retirement. Worship the woman who agreed to be with a nerd like you and romance the shit out of her. You'll probably find she's game for a shag if you stop measuring her furniture and start giving her a foot rub.

Also, it seems pretty clear she's cheating on you.

Good luck!

"My tits are bigger than yours."

The Real Johnson answers selections from Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax's mail every Thursday afternoon from time to time.

You might also like: