Sunday, March 6, 2011

Charlie Sheen is a Fucking Loser



As virtually the entire world knows, Charlie Sheen is enjoying a popularity right now that he hasn't seen since he and brother Emilio released the 1990 classic film Men at Work.

He just broke the Guinness World Record for fastest person to reach one million followers on twitter, he has become an internet sensation and he's been on virtually any and every radio or television talk show that will have him as a guest.

He's responsible for the hashtags #tigerblood and #winning, he's being quoted by virtually everyone with an internet connection or a cable hook-up; and he's even used as a source of topical humour by middle-aged women in my office.

He is, as the kids say, blowing up.

But here's the thing: Charlie Sheen isn't cool.

In fact, Charlie Sheen is a fucking loser.

Yes, I'll agree that tidbits of information that are coming out in the press make Mr. Sheen seem cool. It seems cool, for example, that Charlie Sheen's next-door neighbour is Slash and they party together, and it seems cool that Slash has said no one parties harder than Charlie Sheen.

Partying hard is cool, right? Yeah!

But is it actually that cool? If one of the biggest rock stars in history says you party too hard, does that make you cool? Or does that make you a fucking degenerate?

People think it's cool that Charlie Sheen hangs around with porn stars and has two girlfriends whom he refers to collectively as "the goddesses."

It's cool and manly to have lots of sex, right? Sure!

But is the kind of sex Charlie Sheen is having actually cool? He pays prostitutes for sex and he does crack with porn "stars." Could it be that Mr. Sheen has some serious issues with women and might, just maybe, objectify them? To me, a propensity to hang around porn stars and hookers doesn't really seem to speak to an appreciation of women as people. Charlie Sheen's quote, "I don't pay women for sex, I pay them to leave," may seem funny, but really, this is clearly a pretty accurate statement of his views on women. The dude's not cool, he's misogynistic asshole.

Think I'm over-reacting?

Ask yourself this: Is this a person you'd want your sister dating? Your daughter?

Consider this:
  • In 1990, Charlie Sheen was engaged to Kelly Preston. And he shot her. It was ruled an accident, but she left him shortly thereafter, 
  • In 1994, he was sued by a college student that claimed Sheen hit her in the head when she refused him sex with him,
  • In 1996 he paid a fine for throwing a porn star to the ground during a fight at his home, 
  • In 2006, his wife, Denise Richards, filed a restraining order against him when he pushed her and threatened to kill her,
  • In 2009, his wife, Brooke Mueller (his third wife), called 911 when Sheen held a knife to her throat, 
  • In 2010, porn star Capri Anderson locked herself in a hotel room bathroom, claiming she thought her life was in danger, while Sheen destroyed the room,
  • This week, now ex-wife Brooke Mueller has filed a restraining order after she claims Sheen said he was going to cut off her head and send it to her mother in a box. 
  • [insert other violence against women story that will have emerged by the time I post this].
This guy is not cool.

No man that beats up a woman is cool.

Sure, his rambling quotes are funny. They're absurd and weird. "He may be nails, but I'm frickin' bayonets...battle-tested bayonets!"

As an internet meme, he's entertaining as hell. But here's the thing: He's not an internet meme. He is an actual person. And we are all literally laughing along and encouraging him as we essentially watch him self destruct. I'm actually debating whether or not to post this because I feel like as soon as I post something calling Charlie Sheen a fucking loser, he may actually die.

But that's what he is. He is a fucking loser.

If Charlie Sheen was your son, you would be devastated. If Charlie Sheen was your dad, you'd be embarrassed and concerned. Hell, if the rambling, raving Charlie Sheen that we saw on The Today Show was a guy beside you on the subway, you would get up and change seats.

And yet, the guy is the highest paid star on television. And as he binges on coke and hookers, raves about tiger blood and other insane shit, and rails against the people that employ him, he has the balls to ask for more money.

This fucking lunatic, misogynistic junkie wants $3 million dollars every time he makes an episode of Two and A Half Men.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Enough with the Charlie Sheen shit. He is not cool. This is no longer funny. He is just a fucking loser.


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