Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Candidates: Joe Pantalone

Part two in a five part series looking at Toronto's mayoral candidates. Check out the previous entry: Rocco Rossi.

Joe Pantalone

Who is this guy?
Joe Pantalone has worked in the public sector for almost 30 years. He was a Councillor for Metropolitan Toronto back when that meant something different than just "Toronto" and has been at City Hall consistently since he first became an alderman in1980. He made an unsuccessful run for Provincial office in 1987, running as the NDP candidate for Fort York. He served as the lefty voice (of reason?) regarding budget issues during the reign of Mel Lastman and was one of three Deputy Mayors appointed by David Miller in 2003. Since 2006, Joey Pants has been the only person to hold that position.

Which way does he swing?
If his run for the provincial NDP and his appointment by David Miller didn't give it away, Joe bats left.

What's his deal?
It's pretty easy to pass Joe off as "Miller Lite," if only because it's fun to say and it actually is a beer. But also because he seems to naturally agree with virtually everything his outgoing boss has done and wants to continue in the left friendly footsteps of his predecessor. As a guy who was deputy mayor during it's invention, Pantalone is obviously all for Transit City, so you could count him among Rossi as one of the two candidates that is actually showing a drawn out plan for transit (whether you like those plans or not).

He is also probably the most aggressively pro-bicycle candidate and has taken other candidates to task over their stupid comments about bike lanes (don't link to Rob Ford, don't link to Rob Ford...ah, shit I have to!), a stance that is consistent with Joe as the "green candidate." As deputy mayor, Pantalone pioneered the position of "Tree Advocate" a position that "continues to plant tens of thousands of new trees in Toronto yearly," also, according to his page on City Hall's website, "Joe has been a leader in Toronto's efforts to become North America's leader in implementing best practices in environmental sustainability."

Apparently Pantalone is also responsible for the continent's only Green Roof plan (I haven't seen any around town though, have you?) and is responsible for the first urban windmill.

Part of his pitch also seems to be about extending the feeling of "community" in Toronto, which he'll do, in part by inventing the Toronto Order of Community Excellence and increasing support to arts and culture.

The Real Johnson
I think Joey Pants is a cute little man. Look at him. It's like if Santa had an NDP elf. He just seems like a nice little guy.

Unfortunately, like yesterday's entry, Rocco Rossi, nobody is really expecting Joe, nice or not, to win this thing. At time of this posting, most polls have him sitting in fourth place, and some (probably those conducted by her staff) have him even behind Sarah Thomson.

I think the problem is that he's too much associated with Miller, and right now people are tending to focus on the bad stuff Miller was responsible for (i.e. spending). The difficulty for Joe is going to be dissociating himself from the stuff that's driving upset (and dumb) taxpayers away from Miller-style politics to Rob Ford's camp. Joey Pants is trying to do this essentially by echoing his old boss' sentiments, namely: Blame McGuinty.

The common refrain from Miller's city hall was that city deficits are due mainly to the province uploading services on municipalities and yanking promised funding for transit.

While Pantalone is right (at least in my opinion), his message doesn't seem to be hitting home. He is promising a line-by-line review of city budgets, likening the process to that of a surgeon. While his careful consideration may be logical, elections are about showy "Stop the gravy train!" bullshit, and this is never more true than when the voters are upset with the last guy's methods. The surgeon's scalpel, while effective, doesn't play as well in the sticks as the swinging, sweaty wrecking ball that is Rob Ford.

He also promises to take McGuinty and other more senior government to task, starting with demanding the funding for Transit City, but if it didn't work for Miller, I think people know it won't work for Pantalone.

I like Joe, I like his stance on the environment and I think he has good ideas (if a little wishy-washy from time to time) and I wouldn't be unhappy with Joe Pantalone as my mayor. Unfortunately, with Joey Pants way down in the polls and that lumbering asshole behemoth Rob Ford leading the polls, I don't think I can spare my vote Joe. Sorry little guy!

Tomorrow: Sarah Thomson 

I'm by no means an expert on this candidate and I don't claim my research was completely exhaustive. Have you got some info on Joe Pantalone that I missed or an opinion you'd like to share? That's what the comments section is for...

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Candidates: Rocco Rossi

In the interest of fair and balanced journalism, I figure it's only right that I devote a little time to those people who are attempting to take on Rob Ford in the race to be Toronto's mayor in the upcoming election. Yes, it's all well and good to take the air out of the ridiculous notion that a vote for Rob Ford is a vote for the "Regular Joe" and is therefore the right thing to do,but without looking at the other options in any depth, it's not really a thorough enough job.

Furthermore, I feel a little uninformed about the other candidates myself.

That is, I feel simultaneously over-saturated and and wholly...unsaturated? Non-saturated? Dry?

Anyway, I'm being told a lot of shit, but you people ain't telling me shit, you dig?

There's talk, but it's mainly "Did you hear the dumb thing Rob Ford said?" I love Rob Ford!" "Rob Ford is a gas-huffing lunatic!" "Well at least he's not Smitherman!" variety.

That is to say, the chatter isn't necessarily helpful and there doesn't seem to be too many good resources that actually break down what all the candidates actually have to say. So, in my attempt to do a little research myself, I thought I'd pass my findings on to you and attempt (in as impartial a manner as I can manage [read: not fucking impartial at all]) to assist you as election day draws nearer.

So, each morning, for the next five days, I will profile one of the five major candidates still in this race. Starting today with Rocco Rossi.

(Disclaimer: The election is still two months away, before you comment angrily after having found this post on Google, please consider the date I posted. Some of these candidates may not even be around by the time you read this and maybe some new ones will have joined. Maybe that great Hamlet of provincial politics, John Tory, will even have sort of maybe kind of thought about considering thinking about maybe running again).

Rocco Rossi
Who is this guy?

Rossi has been an organizer and sort of behind-the-scenes guy in Toronto business and politics for some time. He was a director of the Federal Liberal party and is the former CEO of the Heart and Stroke Foundation of Ontario.  

Rossi is a large part of the reason that Michael Ignatieff joined and now leads the Canadian Liberal party (..uh thanks Rocco!).

Which way does he swing?

Rossi is a bit of a switch hitter, actually. Before Ford entered the race, when there was no clear champion for the right, Rossi seemed like he might be the candidate to woo them; posing as sort of the thinking man's conservative. Now he'll be trying to present himself as the level-headed centrist amid a lot of left vs. right mudslinging. 

What's his deal?
Rossi has serious plans for the city's transit system. He thinks the plans for Transit City fall short and, instead, has unveiled what he's dubbed as Transit City Plus, which relies much more heavily on subways. He's promising continuous digging of tunnels and an average of one new station opening per year. 
He has also said he's opposed to bike lanes on major city streets and wants to halt some current construction plans that include major bike lanes in order to move bikes onto less busy streets that run parallel to the major routes. 

Rossi also boasts that he's one of the few candidates that has an actual plan for funding his transit vision, namely by selling off Toronto Hydro. Indeed, a lot of Rossi's plans for dealing with the current fiscal crisis facing City Hall involve selling off assets or "contracting-out," some of the city's essential services like garbage collection as a means to cut costs at city hall. (Opponents have noted this might be impossible given union contracts).

Rossi has also vowed that, if elected, he will immediately cut his own wages by 10% and freeze his pay for his entire term as mayor. 

The Real Johnson
To put it lightly, Rocco is getting his ass kicked right now. A recent Ipsos Poll has him in fifth place with numbers down in the single digits. It ain't pretty. 

However, while most people have Rossi down for the count, at this point I might actually lay a little money on him as the dark horse of this race. I mean, it's far from a smart bet, but I like this guys balls. It seems pretty clear he's not going to back down from a fight - he seems willing to show up anywhere and debate anyone and isn't afraid to actually talk about his plans. 

I'm not sure if I like his ideas about selling off services, because I feel like that runs the risk of fees being associated with shit I already pay taxes for, but given that on August 23rd Rossi announced a new campaign manager (the guy who would have run John Tory's campaign, Bernie Morton), it's pretty clear Rossi's in this thing for the long haul. And he's got the dough to stick around and work his campaign (have you seen his face plastered all over the internet, including this blog from time to time?)

I bet as the election approaches, Rocco Rossi will look more and more like an appealing alternative as the far-left and far-right continue to sling mud and grab headlines and we all get bored of the Ford/Smitherman bullshit. I predict Rossi gains serious traction in the coming months and starts to look like a viable candidate by the time we vote. Then we'll just have to decide if we're comfortable with a mayor that looks a lot like a penis in a suit. 

Tomorrow: Joe Pantalone 

I'm by no means an expert on this candidate and I don't claim my research was completely exhaustive. Have you got some info on Rocco Rossi that I missed or an opinion you'd like to share? That's what the comments section is for...

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Real Johnson Caption Contest

Thank fuck it's Friday, y'all.

What are you guys up to this weekend? I thought I was going to have a relaxed weekend, but it looks like I've got some partying to do. Sigh. It's tough being this popular. I guess I'll suck it up and pound a few. I'm a team player.

But speaking of partying, check out this photo that Real Johnson reader Bullion sent me. These folks clearly know how to have a good time.

I thought they'd be a good installment for the Real Johnson Caption Contest / I am too lazy to write a real post this weekend.

Next week, though, I will be running a series of real posts, profiling one of the five candidates for Toronto's mayoral race each day for five days. I figure it's all well and good to lambaste that big turd Rob Ford, but maybe we should look at the other options too. Apologies in advance to my out of town readers, but I wanted to organize my own thoughts on the candidates/I feel like this will be a great way to drive traffic to my blog next week and I'm an attention whore.

Anyway, this is supposed to be a caption contest...This week's winner will be chosen by me and the prize will be a sex attack.

Just kidding. The prize will be something awesome that I find in the drawer of my desk on whatever day I get around to actually mailing a prize. Exciting, eh?

Now I just have one question for you: What the heck is going on here?

PS - reader submissions for photo contests are always welcome. As are topless photos, links to pornography, and guest post proposals. Interested? Flip an email to therealjohnson1(at)gmail(dot)com.

Lady Gaga: A Secret Revealed!

I don't want to shatter anyone's dreams or spoil anyone's fantasies here, so if you're a Lady Gaga fan, you should probably stop reading.

Still reading? OK. Here's the secret. Close analysis of this video, along with other evidence, reveals virtually indisputably that Lady Gaga is not only very ugly, but she also seems to just be a bag of trash. I know. Shocking right?

Lady Gaga Stage Dive from Bronques on Vimeo.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Just A Bunch of Pictures of Chicks on Bikes

so, as was probably obvi from his last couple of epic rants, Johnson is back and in fine form.

i notice he didn't take the time 2 let u know how i was, so i'll tell you: i'm alive.

it turns out the tiger wasn't even here last week. Johnson put him in a kennel before taking off 2 wherever the hell it was he took off 2. so i spent 8 days locked in my office drinking warm beer and eating from a big rubbermaid container and sleeping under a desk for no reason. also turns out that the party mix i ate 2 stay alive was in fact the tiger's food so i've been working overtime cleaning Johnson's wig and false mustache collection (don't ask).

NE way, since people around the office seem 2 be pretty focused right now on how shitty Toronto could become as polls continue 2 report a lead for some dude named ford, i asked Johnson if i might post something on the blog 2 remind people how great the city is. he was hesitant @ first and cocked his fist, as is his habit when i speak, but when i told him i wanted 2 post pictures of hipster chicks on bikes he said "Go 4 it."

i've noted that the "hipster chicks" post i put up during the real hipster week is bookmarked on the big guy's google chrome, so i'm thinking he may also share this, another of those fine big city fetishes, in addition 2 hawt hipster girls in glasses.

NE way, here's some chicks on bikes.

this first batch is from arguably the first "fashion on bikes" site, Cycle Chic, which is based out of Copenhagen and features nothing but pictures of fashionable people (hot chicks included) astride two wheels.

in the same vein as Cycle Chic, if not directly influenced, a few Toronto-based cycle style blogs have sprouted up. one is called The Common Elite (the picture below is from there).

another TO based one is 416cyclestyle. the images below were all stolen borrowed from that site.

and then, since i realized that these pictures weren't really of the smokin' hot variety (they're fashionable and arty, don't get me wrong) i went searching for something a little more spankworthy edgy. thinking of my luck with girlswithglasses, i looked for something similar and happened upon the aptly named Fuck Yeah Girls & Bikes!

i don't know what city this blog is based out of, pretty sure it's just a collection of girls with bikes from all over the tumblsphere, but there's a sampling of some pictures from that site, below.

is this kensington?? can't tell

do u guys share my love of girls on bikes?
what is it that makes it hot? 
is it the cleavage u can see when she's approaching?
the bum when yr trailing behind in the bike lane?
the crouching position?
does the girl's bike matter do u, or R all girls on bikes hawt?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Voting For Dummies

What is with this trend in politics lately to support the "every man?"

Sometimes it's called other things. Sometimes we say a candidate has a "blue collar work ethic" or that he or she is "working class."

It's the rolled up sleeves and no-tie appeal of the Regular Joe.

Probably most famously embodied by the mouth-breathing, barely literate, gun-nut that was the American Republican party's last vice presidential nominee, I feel like the trend is only growing stronger, possibly emboldened by the sheer elitist snobbery of Barack Obama (y'all see the fella order dijon mustard?).

I remember watching the alternately funny and terrifying documentary Right America Feeling Wronged, which followed rabid McCain/Palin supporters through the "he's a muslim" fun of the 2008 presdiential campaign to their crushing defeat at the hands of that "socialist nazi communist" Barack Obama. Time and time again, people gave reasons for supporting the GOP that dumbfounded me.

People said things like, "She's just like me" and "she makes me believe that anyone could be president."

Newsflash: Living in a country where "anyone" can be president would be horrific. Sure, everyone should have the opportunity to earn that privilege, but it shouldn't be a right that everyone has. I mean, I don't know about you, but I prefer a leader with some relevant credentials. Maybe an education. Some world experience.

If you barely graduated high school, you're wearing an over-sized Walmart sweatshirt with an eagle on it and holding a racist and misspelled picket sign, do you really think the ideal candidate to be one step away from running the country should be "just like you?"

And I'm not just picking on that moose hunting, gun-totin', can't-remember-my-own-talking-points-so-I-write-them-on-my-hand, moron from Alaska and her droves of knuckle dragging supporters. There are a lot of political candidates that try to seize on that essential "normalness" of the masses. In the most recent federal election here in Canada, the word "intellectual" kept getting bandied about like it was a synonym for weak and effeminate whenever right wing pundits mentioned Stephane Dion. I'm not going to say Dion was an ideal candidate, but I have always resented this inherent fear of the educated when it comes to politics and most especially the way people tend to use words like "professor" and "brainy" in a way that makes them feel like homophobic slurs.

"Real men don't read no books."

Call me crazy, but I sort of think the people that run countries probably should graduate from the top schools and have a solid grasp of world issues. National issues are rarely, if ever, settled by arm wrestling.

But now I see this same "love-that-ordinary-guy" spirit creeping into even the election to become mayor of Toronto, arguably the brainy/liberal centre of Canada's universe.

(In case you're not from Toronto, we're currently in the process of narrowing the field of the city's mayoral candidates and we're faced with the sickening and harrowing spectacle of having this sweaty asshole as our next mayor.)

I know it's sort of counter-intuitive to my argument to sling mud by calling Rob Ford names, but look at this fucking dunderhead.

To provide you with some background info, Rob Ford is a Toronto City Councillor who once famously said of his lack of support for AIDS clinics, "If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn't get AIDS probably, that's the bottom line."

He also once said of the city's "Oriental people" that "are slowly taking over:" "Those Oriental people work like dogs ... they sleep beside their machines."

On improving Toronto's biking infrastructure, Rob Ford has noted: "I can't support bike lanes. Roads are built for buses, cars, and trucks. My heart bleeds when someone gets killed, but it's their own fault at the end of the day."

And most recently, Ford has been outed for having three prior criminal convictions, one for drug possesion, one for failing to submit to a breathalyzer driving under the influence (sorry about the correction. When it was discovered on Thrusday that Ford was charged, he initially said it was for failing to submit to a breathalyzer, but as of Friday it has been revealed that he, again, lied and it was actually for driving under the influence), and one for assault.

The guy is a walking disaster who once had his own wife call 911 on him and who was thrown out of a Toronto Maple Leafs Game for being drunk and screaming obsenities at fans. (See why I referred to him as a sweaty asshole earlier?)

All of this would be funny if it weren't for one puke-inducing fact: As of August 12th, Rob Ford is leading the fucking polls.

Now I know some will explain the lead as owing largely to the contingent of voters who live outside the city's core (i.e. 905ers) who may not care as much about the issues that Toronto's more urban population cares about.

And a lot of support likely comes simply from Ford's aggressive stance on City Hall spending that, in the face of a fiscal crisis, taxpayers find appealing.

And as a friend has just noted to me, the poll was conducted before the exposing of the criminal charges outlined above and subsequent lying to cover them up, so he could experience a major drop in those polls (if Santa got my letter).

But at the fringes, in the comments sections of the Globe, The National Post, The Star and even BlogTO, you can see this inexplicable "every man" support creeping in.

People say, "Ford tells it like it is!" or "He's saying the things I want to hear!" and it often sounds a lot to me like, "He's an idiot and so am I, so I'm going to vote for him!"

Call it "Palinism" or maybe "the Bush Factor," but Ford's got that sort of dumb person appeal that seems to really appeal to other dumb people.

It's a trend that blows my mind in politics. Time and time again people vote for the person "like them," or the fella who seems "down to earth."

Here's the thing dum-dum: If you were the type of person qualified to run for office, you would be. Don't vote for a man just because, like you, he sweats through his clothes walking to his car (or in Ford's case, ridiculously oversized behemouth Winebago).

And I'm not saying that we need perfect candidates. There is no such thing, of course. People who run for office are only human and we all have faults, so, by all means, If you fully believe in a candidate's position and views, you should be willing to accept his or her faults.

But if you vote for someone because of those faults, you are an idiot.

Like Rob Ford.

PS - If there were ever a need to hit one of the share buttons below, this is it. Please don't let voter apathy ( a measly 39.3% turnout last time we picked a mayor!) be the reason this guy gets a chance to be mayor of one of the greatest cities in the world.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Update: 11th Person to Punch in The Face

Important Update to Yesterday's Post

Please note, there is a new item to add to yesterday's post, 10 People I want to Punch in The Face This Week.

This morning, I was going to drive to work.

We've realized as of late, we really don't use our car that often and, with a Subway stop nearby, the streetcar right in front of our new condo and the availability of ZIP cars, it really doesn't make any sense to pay for insurance and parking on a car we really only use to go back to our parent's homes or occasionally to the grocery store.

Accordingly, we are trying to sell the car.

A guy at my work expressed an interest, so I was going to drive to work so we could take a spin at lunch.

Now, because I normally bike to work, this summer I've only been able to wear whatever I felt comfortable cramming into a little canvas bag that I can strap to the back of my bike. See, I wear shorts and a t-shirt on the bike, then change into something more appropriate when I get to the office.

Today, however, I figured I could dress up a little. I didn't have to bike/sweat, so why not wear some of the nice clothes I haven't really worn since before bike season? Accordingly, I put on the pants to one of my new suits, put on a nice shirt and put on my favourite tie.

I also have a really nice briefcase, but since it's nice, and a little bulky, I don't like strapping it to the bike. I figured, hey, why not take the briefcase today? So I transferred all my myriad items that I haul back and forth every day - sunglasses case, moleskine, visine, iPod, etc - and noted I still had ample space.

Great! I thought. There's still room for all the crap I've been keeping at work. I can take home those two shirts, that pair of pants and some tupperware I've been meaning to take home. While I'm at it, I thought, I have the car, I can take home the running shoes and squash racquet I left at work.

Sweet.  And I don't have to change clothes at work so I can leave a little later today. I'll kill some time on facebook and have a good breakfast.

So, I left the house, a little later than if I was biking, nicely dressed, good briefcase in hand, shopping bag ready to clean up some of the garbage in the car and...

Where is the car?

Where the fuck is the car?

Ah shit.

All the cars here are on the other side of the street from where I remember last parking. What's the date? Ah fuck! It's the 19th.

My car has been towed.

My. Car. Has. Been. Towed.

So, despite the uncontrollable urge to plunge my fist through something - anything - I now have to walk back to my house and get my bike. I don't have time to change or put my lunch and shit in the other bag, so I've got to stick with the briefcase and the dress pants, etc on the bike.

Now I'm at work, choking with rage and sweating through my favourite shirt - not to mention the ass of my dress pants - and I've just found out that, on top of the two parking tickets about which I received overdue notices in the mail this week that are both now up to $56.00, I've got to pay $212.44 to get my car back from the towing company, in addition to the three $40 tickets I received each day after the 15th before it was towed this morning at 3:29 am, just a few hours before I went out to drive to work.

So, while I know it's really my own fault for forgetting to move the car, I'd like to add Phil at JP Towing to yesterday's list of people I'd like to punch in the face.

I'm sorry Phil, I know you're just doing your job, but you were the person tasked with telling me where to pick up my car at the aboslute height of my sweating, late-for work, soaking through my clothes, trying-to-save-for-a-mortgage-but-now-taxed-with-a-$444.44-tab-just-to-get-a-car-I-don't-even-want-back rage.

So I am adding you as addendum 1a to yesterday's list of people I want -nay, NEED- to punch in the face.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

I'm Back, a Hatred Sampler

Jesus Christ. You try to take a little vacation and everyone goes fucking crazy.

I thought the "Gone Drinkin'" note was pretty clear: I went drinkin'.

I didn't think anyone would notice if I took a little late summer R and R at the beach, but apparently that's not the case. I have returned to a virtually empty office, with the exception of the fiercely loyal, albeit creepy, admin staffer, Joanne Lohrs, TRJ stock has plummeted, there was a fire at the sweat lodge and one of the managers of the jet ski dealership has gone missing amid rumours of a torrid affair and large quantities of peyote.

I left for little over a week. What. the. fuck.

Anyway, as you probably guessed from the sporadic posts from my hopefully dead, dipshit, hipster assistant and my turtle-neck wearing, cat enthusiast, admin staffer, things are a little nuts right now. So I don't really have the time to put forth the effort required to work up the good frothy rage required for a proper Real Johnson post, so I'll simply provide you with a version of Ten People I Want To Punch in The Face (This Week). Think of it as a shot gun blast of hate, covering a large area with little pellets of rage. Or, if you'd prefer, a Hatred Sampler.

1. People that are conducting "gay exorcisms."
Evidently, there's some pentecostal Christians and some sadly confused gays in the United States that think "homosexuality is a sin foisted on humans by demons who take possession of their bodies and compel them to act against God's will." Accordingly, there is an emergence of "deliverance;" an act to rid young men of this demon by essentially squeezing them until they vomit and/or shit themselves. Definitely reserving a walloping punch in the face for these people this week.

2. People that think that, by substituting an "M" as the first letter of an item, they can make a typically feminine item into one designed for a man. 
Examples of this punch-worthy practice include terms like "murse" and "manorexia." What's next, meast infection?

3. Republicans who are attempting to use pseudo issues to divide Americans along crazily xenophobic lines. 

I'm not wading into the "should-there-be-a-mosque-near-ground-zero" debate [actually, fuck, yes I will. Why not? Let them build a god damn mosque. Who cares? If there were no churches allowed near areas where violence was justified by religious zealotry, there wouldn't be a lot of churches in the world (see the American South, Item 1 above and All of Europe)], but it seems blatantly clear that tea baggers will seize any issue they think they can use to milk a few middle-American votes, even if that issue is skirting dangerously close to outright racism.
With the American Right's spreading of those weird, clown-faced Obama posters, the aggressive fight against immigrants and now this blatant persecution based on religion - a stance to the extreme even compared to the rightiest of rights, Bush II, who always noted Islam was "a religion of peace" - can we just start to call Palin, Beck, Limbaugh and others what they really are? Opportunistic racists, may I please punch you in the face?

4. Women who wear heels but have no idea how to walk in them. 
Yes, of course, high heels are sexy. They make your legs look longer, they lift your ass - they're hot. However, when you have no idea how to wear them and they make you limp along like a wounded fawn, they are not so hot. Take off those heels, jog over here, and allow me to punch you in the face.

5. Dudes who wear shorts on casual Friday. Man. It's casual Friday, not basketball Friday. There are places you can wear shorts. The office is not one of them. Here. Take a pair of my old jeans. While you're here though, I guess I may as well punch you in the face.

6. You.
You just have one of those faces. Sorry.

7. Those people that have some application to track how far they ran and post it on facebook. 
First of all pal, no one gives a fuck how far you ran today. People come on facebook to creep people's photos, post witty and/or sarcastic comments to other people's statuses, invite people they barely know to their plays/improv shows/comedy shows/birthday parties/band's shows and then creep people's photos. No one is logging on in the morning to see if you've sweat off another pound.

And furthermore, I'm sitting on my ass in front of my computer. What makes you think this is the proper venue to brag about exercising? I'm trying to eat nachos and masturbate.

Here. Here's a good route for your next run. It's the way to my house. Next run, why don't you jog on over so I can punch you in the god damn face?

8. These girls. 
I don't think I need to explain. If you don't want to punch them in the face after one minute of watching this, there is probably something physically wrong with you.

9. People who misuse the term "literally." I'll break it down for you. Essentially, literally means "exactly." So, when you say, "It was literally the funniest thing I've ever seen," when you are talking about your fucking cat, I'm going to have to go ahead and call you on that. That stupid thing your cat did probably wasn't actually the funniest thing you've ever seen. When you say, "I literally died laughing," the simple fact that you have uttered the phrase proves you wrong. 99% of the time, when people say "literally" they actually mean "practically." I literally want to punch these people in the face.

and, of course, as always, 10. Richard Gere.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Trapped in My Office, Day 6

does NE one know how long a tiger can go without eating?

e-mails to Joanne have gone unanswered and i'm not sure if NE one is going 2 show up @ work tomorrow, so i'm thinking the only thing i can do is try to conserve the last of this pbr and party mix and attempt 2 wait until Tramell starves 2 death.

wikipedia is useless. it's interesting that the word "tiger" is taken from the Greek word "tigris", which is possibly derived from a Persian source meaning "arrow," a reference 2 the animal's speed, but it doesn't rly help me deal with the 300 kilogram killing machine outside my office door.


where the fuck is Johnson?

in case this is the last thing i write, i'd like it 2 B known that i want 2 leave my iPod 2 my boy Ashton. There's 160 gigs of sweet tunes on there bro and we rocked out 2 most of it. NXNE 2007!

Taso, i know u have my lapis american apparel hoodie. u can keep it.

Alex, there's a bunch of pot in the stash in my room (u know where), u can smoke it.

And to u know who, i still say the baby's not mine. given that this may B my last will and testament, you know i'm serious. so if by some miracle i survive this, stop calling me. there's no way i can have a son named Kaydon NE way.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Hi! I'm Joanne ;)

Hi every body!

My name is Joanne and I'm an administrative assistant here at The Real Johnson. Normally my job entails a lot of filing, occasional dictation and sometimes I help the Real Hipster take empties back to the Beer Store.

I don't really have much involvement with the blog. But, truth be told, I have actually written on here a couple of times. One time Johnson played poker all night and told me to put something on the blog while he slept in his office and another time The Real Hipster had to leave early to go see Animal Collective and asked me to cover for him.

Anyways, I normally wouldn't dare write on the actual blog unless I was asked to, or unless it was some sort of emergency, but you see, there is no one here.

I mean, really. No one.

Word got around that the big guy has disappeared unexpectedly and a lot of staff just sort of stopped showing up. I'm pretty sure the rumour that Johnson is dead got started at "Tell 'em to Stick It!" the offensive bumper sticker company that Johnson owns, and word has kind of spread.

It seems like most of the staff has forwarded their calls to my desk and went home. I've been getting calls from the Johnson Industries factory that manufactures beepers and pagers, the president of The Real Johnson Sweat Lodge and Tannery keeps e-mailing, and apparently there's been rioting at the used jet ski dealership. On top of that, Johnson Industries just opened a new division overseeing the sponsorship of a world class squash player and we're conducting market research about outsourcing Canadian children's math homework to Asian kids, but all of these projects have hit a standstill since RJ posted the "gone drinkin," post-it note.

Personally, I'm sure he's fine. This wouldn't be the first time Johnson has gone on a multi-day bender, and frankly, I think we should all just be happy that he left word at all this time. Not to mention the fact that when he gets back from a week long drunk and finds out that his businesses have shut down he is going to get really mean. What is most troubling however is that even Real Johnson.com seems to have shut down. The blog was the first project of the Johnson empire and, if you're a frequent reader you'll know, usually gets new content every couple of days.

But since he's been gone, there's not much going on. I know The Real Hipster posted an update a couple days ago, but even he doesn't seem to be around now. I know he said he was trapped in an office with the tiger outside, but that means he's up on the fourth floor where Trammell lives, and everyone except RJ and The Hipster is absolutely forbidden from going on the fourth floor.

So I'm not really sure what to do! I'm really upset here :(

Oh gosh. Now I'm crying at my desk all by myself. What a mess.

OK. Enough of that. Dr. Johnson, I know that wherever you are, you are OK, though probably drunk and/or breaking something. Real Hipster, if you're reading this somehow, email me (joannelohrs@gmail.com) and I'll try to send help.

And now, in the interest of keeping the company going, and maintaining the blog, I will provide something for the loyal readers. I don't have strong political affiliations like the big guy and I don't have any snarky opinions like The Real Hipster, so I'll just post what I love, my kitties!

Enjoy some pictures of my babies! Have a great weekend :)

This is my baby Jacob, hanging out in the sun in my bedroom. <3

This is Edward. He's very playful.

This is Bella Swan. She's saying, "Mommy can I please stay up late with you to watch True Blood?" Of course you can!

And this is my fancy boy Isaac Mizrahi. Here he is all dressed up for the premier of  Twilight: Eclipse!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Johnson has "gone drinkin'"

as u can see, Johnson has "gone drinkin'"

he didn't say anything, didn't leave any instructions, didn't even leave food 4 the office tiger, Trammell.

on sunday night he filled a bag with books, took one of the better bottles of scotch from the office and a case of red wine and just left.

i tried 2 ask him where he was going and how long he'd be away given that he had just taken a week off, but he just barked something about it being summer time, threw a paper weight @ me - breaking my glasses again  - and then i think called me a "cockpounder."

his fiancĂ©e hasn't been calling, so i've got 2 assume she's with him. which @ least bodes well 4 his safety (and that of anyone he might encounter).

NE way, with no instructions, no forwarding number and a hungry fucking tiger roaming the halls, i can't really leave the office and i'm not exactly sure what i'm supposed 2 do here...

suggestions would b greatly appreciated. or @ the very least, could you paste some interesting links as comments 2 this post? I think i might be in here a while, and i'd appreciate something to read. there's a warm case of pbr and a rubbermaid container full party mix so i can likely last a week or so, but i might get bored.

and if u see Johnson tell him 2 come home soon. the tiger is hungry.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Why I Want to Punch Myself in The Face (this week)

Here's the thing I hate about me this week.

There's a Viet Thai restaurant in London, Ontario called Ben Thanh (there's two of them there, actually). Among other fan-fucking-tastic items on Ben Thanh's menu are the below pictured Shredded Pork rolls.

In case the fact that I've taken the time to take a picture of them with my BlackBerry doesn't make it obvious, these things are fucking good. Like crack good. I've tried (and tried) to find some place here in Toronto that makes anything even remotely similar to these shredded pork rolls and there is nothing to be found.

Accordingly, anytime I'm in London, I make it a point to get these. Most often we get them as a ridiculously awesome snack for the drive back to Toronto, in addition to a shit ton of pad thai for dinner.

The reason I deserve a punch in the face this week however, is that, while these stab-your-family-in-the-neck-to-get-one-good pork rolls are listed on Ben Thanh's menu as item number 503, being away from London a while apparently caused me to forget this, and I ordered item number 507, and of course didn't realize this until we were on the highway.

Item 507 is called "Fresh BBQ Pork Rolls," and actually features pork rind. In case you're not familiar, pork rind is the fried or roasted skin of the pig.

Thus, I spent nearly two hours hungover and starving in a car with three orders of disgusting pork rind rolls after spending an entire weekend looking forward to having amazing shredded pork rolls and now with little chance of me getting to the opportunity to order the right fucking thing for a while. Fuck, I want those fucking pork rolls. And I want to punch myself in the face for fucking up my chance to get them.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thanks Again Y'all

This picture of Adriana Lima bent over has nothing to do with the content of the post. Consider it simply a thank you to you, my loyal readers. Thanks.

The other day I was feeling nostalgic, so I decided to roam the archives of RealJohnson.com.

It's a scary place to be sure, filled with vitriolic political rants, homages to incredibly unhealthy habits, and even, a systematic and backhanded attempt at deconstructing religion.

What it isn't, or rather, what it is perhaps only now becoming, is a place filled with frequent commenters.

For a long time I limped along with not much feedback from you folks, blindly and, I'll admit it, often drunkenly stabbing at the keyboard to post some inane drivel about sandwiches or Sarah Palin or some other bullshit.

But then, as James Earl Jones told me they would, people came.

So I wanted to take a minute to say thanks to all those people who've taken a second to give something back when they stop by The Real Johnson.

To all those people that have been around a while, all those folks who've started to become regular readers and everybody who's shown me some love on their own blog: Thanks. I only maintain this blog as a fun distraction, but the recognition that I'm at least entertaining a few other people is sweet.

So big ups to Archana, Ari, Bullion, Hell's Pell, Jason, J, Jolt Man, katrocket, Kent, MBL, MC, Melly P, Odin, PhronkWill and anyone else I may have missed. Check out the people with links, spread the love. 

Cheers guys.

I think it's also important to take a minute to thank a couple of my favourite haters too.

Firstly, I'd like to take a moment of silence for the bloggers at "ottawastreetstyle." One of my first commenters ever took offence to my take on the fashion sense of Ottawans way back in June 2008. Sadly, it seems no one has posted on that blog since October of 2009. I guess they simply ran out of fashionable people in Ottawa to talk about. RIP Ottawa Street Style.

And of course, who can forget that dude who referred to my mouth as my "cockholster." One of many who stumbled upon my blog after looking for "sniper rifles" in google image searches, it seems Anonymous took offence to my stance on gun control and came up with that creative way to be homophobic and, I'll admit, hilarious. (FYI, in response to the traffic the image names brought me from the Southern United States for similar reasons, I've since changed the names of all pictures of guns on my site. Pissing off gun advocates just isn't wise).

Anyway, love or hate The Real Johnson, your feedback is always appreciated. So keep the comments coming. And, while I don't necessarily agree with his sentiments, it seems my hipster assistant's opinions on parenting last week have garnered some serious attention, so perhaps I'll make an effort to be more controversial in my content, if that's what gets you commenting. Thanks again y'all.

It occurred to me that the picture of Adriana Lima at the top of this post was really only a good thank you to my male readers, so in an effort to provide something for the ladies too, behold the new Affinity Frigidaire front end loading washer and dryer. You're welcome, Toots.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Ordering Sunglasses

From: Johnson
Sent: July 26, 2010 11:33 AM
To: sales@OpticsWorld
Subject: RE:  Order 155122 Reference 140712 On Hold

Thank you for your email regarding my recent order.

You indicated that the item I ordered, American Optical Flight Gear Original Pilot Sunglasses, was currently not in stock.

You also suggested that, rather than wait for the item to come in, I might want to substitute my item with one from your "Sunglasses Best Sellers" list as these items are always kept in stock.

Indeed, I note on your website that it says of these best sellers that "each and every pair here is guaranteed always in stock."

You also indicated that, owing to the inconvenience, I could redeem a special 5% discount if I opted to exchange my order for something from the "Sunglasses Best Sellers" list.

Please note, I have taken your advice and substituted my order, American Optical Flight Gear Original Pilot Sunglasses, with an item from your always in stock "Sunglasses Best Sellers" list.

I have chosen the item American Optical Flight Gear Original Pilot Sunglasses.

I appreciate being made aware of this option to have my item shipped more expediently and I appreciate the discount for the minor inconvenience.

Thanks very much,



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