I'm Lazy, You Still Can't Trust Sean Bean

In case the fact that the same fake news story about Jay Z and Beyonce's baby has been sitting up for so long didn't fill you in, I've been a little too busy to blog lately. In addition to my job and some comedy-related stuff, I've been doing some blogging elsewhere for money (pennies, but still) and I've been trying to get back to the gym, too. On top of all that, I've of course got my usual commitment to functional alcoholism.

Long story short, I've been neglecting this website and I want you to know, it's not you, it's me.
I've tried a few times to get guest contributors so that situations like this don't happen so often, but it never really pans out. However, I'll try again. If you're interested or have a rant to get off your chest or anything, click the "submit something" tab on the header and let me know. If you're a blogger too it might be an interesting way to get some new readers checking out what you have to say. I'd love to have some other points of view on here once in a while. And if you want, someday I can return the favour and write something for your blog.

Anyway, in the interest of giving you something to read, below I've reposted a "classic" post that was up two years ago today (roughly). It was the first in a series about things Hollywood has ruined and it seems to have stood the test of time. Sean Bean is still a greasy bastard, so consider this a sort of public service announcement to any of my readers who weren't around two years ago.

New content is coming, someday. Thanks for hanging in you beautiful sons of bitches.

Things Hollywood Has Ruined: My Ability to Trust Sean Bean
Part one of an ongoing series, “Things Hollywood Has Ruined”

Blue Ivy Carter is Born, Announces Record Deal

Just days after announcing the birth of their child, Blue Ivy Carter, on Saturday January 7th, new parents Jay-Z and Beyoncé Knowles have announced that their daughter has signed an exclusive recording contract with dad's record label Roc-A-Fella Records.

Ivy Carter will release six albums between now and the time she turns 14 and will net an estimated $100 million for the deal she inked shortly after her umbilical cord was cut. Mom and baby are reportedly doing well at home and Blue Ivy Carter is reportedly looking forward to getting into the studio as soon as possible, even hinting that heavy hitters like Kanye West and Lil Wayne are already slated to appear in guest spots on her upcoming debut album. 

Blue Ivory Carter's first album, tentatively titled "Just Born" is expected be pre-sold on iTunes in a manner similar to Kanye West and Jay-Z's most recent collaboration, "Watch The Throne," and Beyoncé says that Blue Ivy will likely embark on an international tour to promote the album, provided there are no unforeseen complications like diaper rash or colic.

 Jay-Z and Beyoncé also suggested that Blue Ivy Carter is actively seeking endorsement offers with an eye toward diversifying her talents beyond the music industry, but her parents have cautioned her not too get to far ahead of herself.

WINNER: The Real Johnson Caption Contest

Congratulations to the winner of the most recent Caption Contest, BeckEye.

BeckEye, you are now entitled to proudly display the badge below on your own blog, as your facebook profile picture or even, as one incarcerated fan did, carve it into the wall of your cell with a crudely made shank.

I'm not pandering to my fantastically funny (and well endowed) readers when I say that this was actually a difficult decision. There were some damn funny entries this time around.

You're all fantasitc!

But some are more fantastic than others. Congratulations BeckEye. You've joined an elite club today and are now a Real Johnson Caption Master.

Despite a valiant attempt, "2 Guys, 2 Cups"

never became a viral sensation.

Original post after the jump.

Dead Mouse Found in Mountain Dew isn't The Grossest Thing About Mountain Dew

So yesterday I stumbled upon this little this item in the Toronto Star and just had to share.

Essentially, a man is suing Pepsi because he walked up to a pop machine, bought a Mountain Dew, took a sip and then became violently ill because, he says, there was a dead mouse in the can.

I'll give you minute to finish dry heaving.

He then says that he let Pepsi know about the situation but wasn't going to sue until it became clear that Pepsi thought he was lying.

First, before we move on, let's just acknowledge that every human on earth would sue in this situation. Not only would the obvious disgustingness of having just drunk liquid with an animal corpse immersed in it cause one to immediately think of nothing other than revenge, but it would take about four seconds before you realized that one of the world's largest corporations was now liable for you having become ill.

Far from being the stomach-turning traumatic scenario this at first seems to be, it's actually more like a dream scenario. I have literally, on multiple occasions, day-dreamed that I will one day find a mouse in my pop can--or a thumb, hell even a syringe-- simply so that I might sue the massive soda corporation responsible and cash in.

Overheard: Christmas Train Edition

If you're ever travelling within Canada, and you have the opportunity to do so on a train, I highly recommend you do. I further recommend that, if you are travelling with VIA, that you spring for their VIA One service--their version of first class.

It includes access to a separate, comfortable lounge in the station with free wifi, coffee, tea, pop, juice, etc so you don't have to stand in long lines and you're the first to board the train when it arrives. It also means that you get a decent meal on the train with wine and--here's the important part--all you can drink.

Yes. Train travel is for me.

Anyway, I had occasion to take the train home for Christmas recently and believe me when I say that there is no better time to travel first class then at the holidays. You get removed from the mouth-breathing, throbbing masses cutting you off and dragging their luggage around--which puts me into a rage at the best of times--and you get a few drinks in your system on the way; transitioning you smoothly into vacation mode and preparing your body for the binge-drinking that is to follow as you visit with various relatives and in-laws.

Room-mate Ruins Sick Day

A day that was meant to be one of relaxation and rest for Toronto resident Mike Carter was ruined earlier this week when he inadvertently called in sick to work on a day that his roommate, Dwayne, also had the day off.

Carter, a mid-level employee in a mediocre software engineering firm, called in sick early Thursday morning when he decided he simply didn't feel like going to work.

"I just got [Playstation 3 game, Batman:] Arkham City and I've been putting in a lot of hours on this brutal project at work so I just thought, f--- it, I deserve a day off."

Unfortunately for Carter, he forgot that his roommate, Dwayne, a part-time employee at a local pet store, never works on Thursdays.

"Yeah, I just walked out into the living room and saw him there on the couch and was kind of like, 'Damn it!'" notes Carter.

While Carter still spent the day doing essentially nothing, his video game session was relegated to playing Dwayne's copy of NHL 12 since it's the only two player game they have, and because technically the system belongs to Dwayne.

The presence of Dwayne likewise meant that Carter had to share the already minuscule recently discovered remnants of a joint he had hidden in an Altoids container and, while he still spent a good portion of the day masturbating, the presence of his roommate in the next room meant he had to do so with a sort of nervously quiet lack of enthusiasm.

Dr. Johnson: Your Husband's Friends, Homework, and Sluts

It it time once again for me to answer some letters written to Carolyn Hax of The Washington Post me.

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson,

I’ve been married for two years, and I no longer want to socialize with my husband’s friends. Early in our relationship he told me it would be a deal-breaker if I couldn’t get close to the two people he’s closest to; he doesn’t have much of a relationship with his parents, so they have been like a surrogate family to him.

I find them to be boring, too alcohol-dependent, and just not worth all the time we spend with them. But I know how badly it would hurt him if I said this. How do I get out of seeing them as much as he expects me to?

D.C.

DC,

The reason your husband loves those guys is because they are boring and alcohol dependent. Those aren't character flaws, those are their virtues: A man's best friends are the guys he can sit around and do boring shit with and just drink beer. I think if you tell your husband that he can continue spending as much time as he wants with his friends drinking beer but that you're not going to join him as often as you usually do, you'll find him surprisingly accepting of the idea.

"It's just a shame your wife's not here, Rick."

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson:

When I was growing up, I was told that good girls didn’t have sex until they were married. I became a little more liberal, but I still believed an engagement, or at the very least love, was required. But from what I see in movies and on TV, I’m wondering if sex has become just a fun activity with no need to justify it. Is there no longer such a thing as a slut?

FL

FL,

I think you're confusing TV and movies with reality. That's a fantasy world. In real life, people still wait for their wedding night, as the good lord intended. Sex is something two people do strictly for the purpose of procreation. While sex is certainly a fun activity, women shouldn't do it until the time is right or, as you say, they will forever be branded a slut.

For those women who find that their urges are getting the better of them, the church has recently officially recommended a vigorous finger bang.

Filthy habit, that.

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson:

A non-parent here with a gripe about today’s parents: I don’t remember my parents helping me with my homework on a daily (or even weekly) basis. Isn’t it their homework? I don’t remember my parents playing (read, entertaining) me every day, either. We played with our friends. Why do parents today feel the need to do everything with their kids?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Maybe if your parents had helped you with your homework, you wouldn't be such a dumbass now. Are you really mad about parents helping their kids, or are you just resentful that your parents' lack of interest in you has led you to a series of dead end jobs and a frustrating inability to focus on anything more intellectually stimulating than The Bachelor?

Maybe you need to stop worrying about what other people are doing and think a little bit about why your parents didn't want to play with you or read to you and how that has led you to be incapable of letting any one get close to you.

That desire to help and nurture their children is something called love, something you'll probably never experience.

And you smell bad.

Go put on your tie, it's time to colour!

Dear Carolyn Dr. Johnson,

It was recently mentioned to me that I’m kind of dull to be around and just dull in general. I knew I wasn’t an exciting person, but I didn’t realize I was so boring.

Now, the more I reflect on it, I can see that they’re right. I don’t have an interesting job, any interesting hobbies or anything really provocative or humorous to say to anyone. Now it makes sense why my friends rarely call me or call back. Apparently I’m so easy to forget. So, where do I go from here?

Dull

Dear Dull,

Your problem is not uncommon and it's actually something that humans have been dealing with for generations. There actually is a cure for what you've described. It's called alcohol.

The next time you've got to attend a social function, get yourself down to your local liquor store and stock up on some loud mouth soup. You'll probably find that different alcohols will give you a different new personality; red wine will likely make you affectionate and verbose, rye whiskey will make you mean and ready to fight, tequila will make you slutty, etc.

Regardless of what you choose, you'll definitely find that the personality that alcohol gives you is far better than the white bread plainness of your current existence--furthermore, you'll find that the opposite sex is more interested you and better looking, your jokes are funnier and baseball is infinitely more interesting.

I strongly recommend you get started right away and, if you're a lady, it probably wouldn't hurt to throw on a shirt that shows your tits.

This is actually a rare picture of my inner child. 

Dear Carolyn Dr. J:

I have been dating a wonderful woman for a year, exclusively for six months. We are both 24. Our relationship is built on solid friendship; I love her fully and unconditionally.

I have reached a point in my life that I want to get married and begin a family. She makes me happy on every possible level and I could not think of a better teammate. Recently we have cooled off physically, and I attribute that to the end of the “honeymoon stage.”

I’m sure it is only my self-consciousness, but I fear the cooling down will continue beyond the normal leveling that I expected. I am fully committed to her, and she to me. We trust each other 100 percent. When I make comments about marriage and growing old together, she agrees that she also wants these things. However, when I have suggested that we move in together, she shuts me down.

She spends 90 percent of her time at my place. It makes financial sense and I believe we would both be happier. She claims she fears judgment from friends and family because we haven’t been together long enough to warrant their acceptance.

I find these sentiments to be petty and childish, and that is not her personality. She is the strongest person I know. We are adults. We know what is best for us. I fear she is being less than forthright but I do not want to accuse her of being deceptive. She has given me no reason to doubt her sincerity to date.

I have attempted to ask questions like, “Are you sure that is the only reason you are apprehensive?” and she tells me she is sure and drops the subject.

Am I worrying unnecessarily? Or is her hesitation to take the next step in a relationship that has been beautiful and fulfilling from day one a clue that she is not ready for these things?

-Worried she won’t grow up

Worried,

You've been dating a 24 year old for six months and you've already accepted a "cooling off" of your sex life?

What is wrong with you? You two should be banging like it's your job.

If anything, she's probably not interested in sex anymore or moving in with you because you talk like a 40 year old women who is feeling her eggs shrivel up.

"We are adults. We know what is best for us." Who talks like that? Are you wearing orthodic shoes? Do you romance her with sentiments like "It makes financial sense."

My advice to you is start acting like a 24 year old. Try having some fun and not planning your retirement. Worship the woman who agreed to be with a nerd like you and romance the shit out of her. You'll probably find she's game for a shag if you stop measuring her furniture and start giving her a foot rub.

Also, it seems pretty clear she's cheating on you.

Good luck!

"My tits are bigger than yours."

The Real Johnson answers selections from Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax's mail every Thursday afternoon from time to time.

Ten People I want to Punch in The Face (this week)

Faithful Real Johnson readers,

Please accept my sincere apologies for my lack of blog posts lately. I've been extremely busy in real life, what I call my meatspace, and I've been unable to bring you the levels of swear-filled rage to which you've become accustom.

In order to rectify the situation, and hopefully kick off a manic blog-posting spree to get you through the holidays, I thought I'd offer you a bonus-sized edition of a Real Johnson classic, Ten People I Want to Punch in The Face (this week).

Enjoy.

Justin Trudeau Calls Peter Kent A Piece of Shit, Earns My Respect

Sure, at times he seems a like an opportunistic weasel and he's allowed a lot more slack and prestige than he would be if his name wasn't "Trudeau," but for calling Peter Kent, the federal minister of finance a "piece of shit" in the House of Commons today, Justin Trudeau has earned a little bit more of my respect.

Kent had just finished chiding the NDP environment critic Megan Leslie, for not having been in attendance at a climate change conference in Durban, South Africa.

"Had you been in Durban..." minister Kent had began.

The problem of course, was that the Conservatives didn't invite opposition MPs to the conference.